Al-Hunsaker

Kidnapping and Murder

2009-12-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

When I was about four years old, I had a small hollow rubber doll. I cut the doll’s mouth open and would push food into it. I cut another hole in the appropriate place for the food to come out. I loved my little doll. One morning my doll was missing from the place where I had kept it. I asked Mommy about the missing doll. She pretended not to know. I suspected that she had taken it. I became very insistent about wanting my doll back. As I became more and more sure that Mommy had taken my doll, I became more and more furious. I whined about it for weeks. I did not want to give Mommy any peace until she returned my beloved doll. I felt that I needed to punish Mommy, even though I too was suffering from having to whine. I continued to be angry with Mommy for years about my doll. Many years later, I realized that the food in the doll probably rotted and that the doll had developed a body odor. I could then understand why she had kidnapped and murdered my beloved doll. Since I still get angry whenever someone takes something that belongs to me, I apparently never completely forgave her.

Human Osculation Video

2008-08-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

On June 2, 2005, I posted my monologue on Human Osculation to my Blog. Following is a video based on this monologue.

Shot to Death

2008-01-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

My father died in 1951, when he was 58 years old. His death certificate said that he died from cancer. Actually, he died from a gunshot wound. He was shot in the abdomen more than 40 years earlier, when he was a teenager. He grew up in the country where doctors were few and far between. Either he did not go to a doctor or went to a doctor, who did nothing about the bullet in his abdomen. When he was 57 years old, the bullet came out of the surface of his abdomen along with pus and blood. He then went to a doctor, who discovered that cancer had developed around the bullet. They operated on him to remove the cancer. However, a few months later, the doctors discovered that the cancer had metastasized to his liver and was untreatable. This was a rare case of someone dying from a gunshot wound more than 40 years after he was shot.

Secret Codes

2007-03-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

When I was about ten years old, I played with some children who exchanged coded messages with their friends. Their codes were very simple and usually consisted of substituting another letter or a number for the correct letter. I amazed them by being able to quickly decode their secret messages.

I then created my own code, which no one else would be able to decode. Actually the other children didn’t have any idea as to how to decode the simple codes that they were using. I found that other children usually did not understand many of the things I was doing. Therefore, I often did things by myself without trying to get anyone else involved. This was true for my coding system. My system used two letters for each letter, space or punctuation mark. The number of letter combinations I used for each letter, space or punctuation mark matched the frequency of that item in normal use. This made it almost impossible to decode. I felt that my system was brilliant. I even had fantasies about selling it to the US Government, but I never got around to doing that.

Remembering My Term as President

2006-11-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

Each summer, Methodist Youth Fellowship members from the entire south side of Chicago went to a MYF camp in the country south of Chicago. I particularly remember the 1948 camp. There were about sixty teenagers at this camp. At the beginning of the camp, the youth in each cabin held a meeting for the purpose of deciding what the cabin wanted for activities for the week and to elect the cabin’s representative to the Camp Council. Since this meeting in my cabin seemed to be floundering, I took a lead in getting consensus as to what our cabin wanted. Naturally, I was elected to represent the cabin at the Camp Council. At the first meeting of the Camp Council, I also took the lead in getting the group to make decisions. As a result of my participation, I was elected to be the Camp President. The camp was really run by adult leaders and staff. The role of the Camp President and the Camp Council was to select and organize special activities. I was especially involved in planning and directing the camp talent show. I wrote and took a leading part in one of the skits in the show. I don’t remember all of the details of this skit. It had something to do with me being beaten down by many adversaries such as fears, failures and other forces of evil until it began to appear that I was on the verge of surrendering to them. Then in a sudden unexpected surge of strength, I powerfully attacked and vanquished my adversaries.

What I Learned about Investing

2006-07-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

From May 1952 to June 1952, I was a runner on the floor of the Chicago Board of Trade. I would take the orders from my employer’s phone desk to the pit where the trade was to be made. The orders were to purchase or sell 10,000 bushel lots of corn, soybeans, or other commodities. There were people in the pits called scalpers. They made money by constantly buying or selling commodities as the prices changed from minute to minute. Each time they would try to sell for just a little more than they paid. Since I was sitting around much of the time, I made imaginary purchases and sales. At the end of each day, I would determine whether I made or lost money. I noticed that on some days, I made money, but on most days, I lost money. So I gave up my short career as an imaginary scalper. However, I learned a valuable lesson; that is, to stay out of stock, commodity and other such markets unless I know what I am doing.

Making it from Scratch

2006-03-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

In April 2005, I noticed that I needed more storage space around my desk. I then went to where I usually go whenever I have an unfilled need. I went to the Internet. Here I found some modular storage units. There were many different kinds that I could use to meet my storage needs. I ordered eight of these units. Some were open shelves and some had two or three drawers. I was naively expecting something resembling the pictures on their web site. However, when they arrived, I noticed that my 15 inch storage cubes came in flat three inch high cartons.

My first thought was that they had made a mistake. I quickly looked at the carton. There it was, a picture of the 15 inch cube with three drawers that I had ordered. I quickly opened the carton. Out fell numerous assorted pieces of wood and a hodgepodge of nails, screws, and other bits and pieces. There were 150 pieces for this one unit. Included were six pages of instructions of how to transform all of these pieces into the unit pictured on the box. I was horrified.

The instructions began with a warning that failure to read the instructions thoroughly could result in many problems during assembly. After looking over the 150 pieces on the floor in front of me, I was sure that they were right.

At that time, I couldn’t handle what felt like an impossible task. So I went into the kitchen and began compulsively eating potato chips. I had gone to groups where I was taught that I could have anything I wanted. All I had to do was to visualize that I already had it. So I started to visualize that the 150 pieces were assembling themselves into a completed three drawer storage unit. Then I visualized myself going into the next room and seeing the completely assembled unit. I was beginning to feel pretty good. This visualization stuff was fun. So I stopped visualizing and excitedly hurried into the next room to see my finished unit. As I looked into the room, my heart sank. Instead of seeing the completed unit, I saw all of the 150 pieces still lying where I had left them.

I then realized that it would probably take a very long time if I waited for the units to assemble themselves. So I decided to give up on this visualization stuff and assemble them myself. First I thoroughly read the instructions. I then learned the names of all of the 150 pieces and carefully arranged them so that related pieces were together. I then painstakingly put every board, screw, dowel and nail into its proper place. After what seemed like many days of tedious work, I finally put my completed units where I wanted them.

I then began to think about the trend to selling unassembled pieces instead of assembled products, and to expect customers to build their own products. I shutter with fear when I think about where mankind is headed.

There is a popular book entitled, “Build Your Own Personal Computer.” Currently only a few people are interested in buying computer parts and building their own computers. However, I can imagine a time when all of the computer stores will show me pictures of completed computers but when I buy one, they will give me a box of computer parts and expect me to assemble the parts into a working computer.

There is another popular book entitled, “Build Your Own Sports Car.” Currently only a few sports car enthusiasts are interested in building their own automobiles. However, I can imagine a time when all car dealers will show me pictures of completed cars but when I buy one, they will give me huge cartons of automobile parts and expect me to assemble my own car.

Then there is a book entitled, “Build Your Own Low Cost Log Home.” Currently only a few people are interested in spending the many months required to build their own homes. However, I can imagine a time when all realtors will show me pictures of homes but when I buy one they will send me truck loads of building materials and expect me to build my own home.

I even found a book entitled, “Brain Surgery for Beginners.” On the cover is a Swiss pocket knife. I can imagine a time in the more distant future when I will be expected to do my own brain surgery using only their book and a pocket knife.

All of this will give a new meaning to the old phase, “making it from scratch.”

Nap Time

2005-11-17T06:13:00.000-08:00

When I was a small child, Mommy would get very sleepy at times. She would tell me that it is nap time. She would take me to her bed and lie down with me. After a while she would become very quiet. I would then move away from her very slowly and quietly so as not to wake her up. I would then get out of bed and play with my toys. I do not remember what happened when she woke up and found me out of bed. Apparently, she assumed that I had my nap and simply got up just before she woke up.

Stupidity

2005-08-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

In my first semester of high school in 1946, an elderly wood shop teacher was grumbling about the stupidity of our generation as compared to his generation. He gave us an assignment to draw a picture of a wooden object in accordance with some precise measurements that he had put on the blackboard. Apparently, his experience was that almost no one got the drawing correct on their first try. From a group of several drawings, he randomly selected my drawing as an example of an incorrect drawing. He took out his ruler to show the class how I had measured incorrectly. After measuring my first line, he made a grunt typical of a person who did not know what to say. He quickly measured a second line and made another grunt. He then went on to another student's drawing to show how none of us could measure correctly. I don't remember the teacher ever saying anything about the correctness of my measurements. Since I have always been very precise with everything I did, the teacher had obviously made a mistake in selecting my drawing to prove his point.

Human Osculation

2005-06-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Following is a humorous monologue that I wrote. I recite it at talent shows and on other occasions.I appreciate the work done by the government agencies and other entities mentioned. I trust that the responsible parties of these entities have a sense of humor and will not take offense at me for using their names irreverently in the monologue.

For the past forty years, I have been working on my still unfinished Doctoral Thesis on the ecology, pathology and pharmacology of human osculation, which is commonly referred to as kissing.

After thousands of hours of painstaking research, I have made some amazing discoveries and have gotten into a lot of trouble.

On Ecology
Last year, I published my initial findings in the Journal of Chemical Ecology, which hypothesized that osculation is good for the environment. In the article, I stated that osculation is all natural, 100% organic and made without pesticides or preservatives. I also showed that it is nonpolluting, recyclable, renewable and biodegradable.

Then the Environmental Protection Agency became concerned that my article may lead to increased kissing and that I may not have disclosed some possible adverse effects on the environment. They contracted with the University of California at San Diego to study the ecologic imbalance from thermal pollution because of heat generated by increased kissing. They also contracted with Sandia Laboratories to determine the extent to which the heavy breathing that accompanies kissing could increase the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and thereby exacerbate the global warming trend. The United States District Court then issued an order restraining me from publishing any additional reports on osculation pending the completion of these studies.

On Pathology:
In an article in the American Journal of Medicine, I showed that osculation promotes good health. It heals depression and increases blood circulation. A kiss is naturally sweet without sugar or artificial sweeteners. It is rejuvenating, exhilarating, nonfattening and cholesterol free.

However, after reading my article the Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the United States Public Health Service sponsored a research project to investigate whether increased kissing may promote the spread of disease. The preliminary report of this study, is proposing new regulations requiring anyone engaging in osculation to use plastic shields to ensure that the lips of the participants do not make physical contact while osculating.

On Pharmacology:
In another research paper, which I published in the Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, I reported that I had proven that osculation is a drug. It causes a feeling of euphoria, is addictive and releases about the same quantity of endorphins as a shot of heroin. I noted that it is legal in most places and may be obtained everywhere without a prescription. However, I pointed out that unless taken inappropriately, it has no known harmful or unpleasant side effects.

Well, someone at the FDA saw a copy of my paper and sent it to the Drug Enforcement Administration. As a result, the DEA has introduced legislation in the United States Congress that would make kissing a controlled substance. If it passes, kisses will be allowed to be dispensed only by licensed pharmacists and only to persons having a prescription from a licensed physician.

That's about all I am able to report at this time. My research is continuing although now in the Bahamas to avoid further problems with the US government. However, I need additional female osculation research volunteers. Please contact me, if you believe that you may qualify.

Copyright © 1998 Albert G. Hunsaker. All rights reserved.

My First Experience with Employment

2005-05-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

My first work related experience was spending a day with Daddy at work when I was about nine years old. He was a watchman at a WPA construction site. He worked in a trailer in the middle of a large yard. There were no buildings in the yard. There were just piles of stuff. I figured out that Daddy’s job was to watch this stuff. I guessed that he was supposed to keep kids from playing with the stuff and keep grown ups from carrying it away. Most of the day, we sat in the trailer looking out of the window and watching the stuff. Every so often my father and I would walk around the yard and look at the stuff up close. There was a fence around the yard. Daddy and I also walked along the fence and looked at it. I did not understand why Daddy walked around and looked at things up close but I liked it because it got us outside the trailer. At first being at Daddy’s work was fun. After all, I was in a big yard with lots of interesting stuff to play with. However, I just knew somehow that Daddy would not let me play with the stuff. As hour after hour passed, I noticed that I was feeling bored and uncomfortable. For some reason, I could not relax and play naturally with Daddy watching me. After what seemed like forever, Daddy and I got on a streetcar and went home. This experience gave me a lasting impression that the work grown-ups do is not fun.

Struggling for Democracy

2005-03-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

When I was about eleven years old, I studied the United States Constitution in school. It was obvious to me that my family was not being run as a democracy. So I wrote up a Constitution for my family. In my Constitution, the five of us, my parents and the three children, would be members of the Hunsaker Family Congress. Each of us would have an equal vote. Punishments could only be administered in accordance with the laws passed by the Congress. The exact punishment for each offense would be defined by these laws. We were all presumed to be innocent until found guilty by a jury that consisted of remaining family members. After writing the Constitution, I had meetings with my parents and my siblings to try to get them to adopt my Constitution and establish a Hunsaker family democracy. My parents did not seem to take me seriously. I assumed that they were simply unwilling to give up their dictatorial powers. I felt frustrated and saw the necessity to fight a Revolutionary war. However, I did not believe at that time that I had the military power to win a war. Furthermore, I was unsure about the loyalty of my brother and sister if I went to war. So I decided to put off starting the Hunsaker family Revolutionary war until I was older and stronger.

Shooting the Rapids

2005-02-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

In October 1986, my wife, Annette, and I took a cruise to Alaska. During the cruise, we were given the opportunity to go down the Mendenhall River in a raft. I was not sure that I wanted to do this, but my wife was raring to go. So I reluctantly agreed to go with her without really knowing what I was getting into. I soon found myself standing on top of a glacier. I was in a line with a bunch of other people, who had also been forced by their spouses to take the white water raft trip. First, the guards told us that we were required to sign a three or four page legal document before we could get on the raft. This document seemed to say that there is a risk that I may die on the trip and that they wanted I and my heirs to forever give up all rights to sue the operators of the raft for my untimely demise. Then they had us put on bright orange and green life jackets and rubber outfits. Then they told us that the water was 32° Fahrenheit and that we would die very quickly if we fell into the water. I guessed that the bright outfits were to help them find our dead bodies after we fall into the water. By that time, I knew for sure that this trip was not for me. However, I was already sitting in the front seat of the raft and the raft driver was pushing us away from the dock. At about that time, I was thinking that this was all a bad dream and I was hoping that I would soon wake up and find myself safely in my bed on the cruise ship. But then some part of me realized that this was really happening and that I was about to begin a terrifying journey into death and destruction. The raft began to go faster and faster down the river dodging huge rocks, which kept looming up in front of us. I noticed that ice water from the river was splashing into the raft. I could feel that my feet were in about 3 inches of ice water. After what seemed like six hours of torture, well maybe actually it was only about 15 minutes, but it seemed like six hours, we docked at the side of the river. We got out of the raft and were given coffee and snacks. I was hoping that this was the end of the ordeal but my hopes were dashed against the rocks when someone said that this was only the halfway point. We then all went back into the raft for more torture. The last half of the trip seemed less torturous and went a lot faster than the first half. However, I did not feel good until we docked at the end of the river and we were able to get permanently out of the raft. I was glad to be still alive, although I had the thought that perhaps I had been killed on the trip and I was only dreaming that I was still alive.

The Death of My Garden

2005-01-20T08:24:00.000-08:00

When I was about eight years old, I had a wooden box that I filled with dirt. It was my own personal garden. I planted beans and other seeds and enjoyed watching my plants grow a little each day. One day, I went out to look at my garden and found that the entire box was gone. I asked everyone I knew and found out that a dog belonging to another child had died and that some of the boys in the neighborhood wanted a casket to bury the dog. They took and destroyed my garden and used the box as a casket. I still get angry whenever someone takes something that belongs to me.

You're Fired

2005-01-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

When I was a small child, perhaps six years old, my father talked with my mother about someone who did something bad at work. My father said that they fired him. I believed that this meant that they threw him into a stove and burnt him up. I still have a clear picture in my mind of a huge stove with a roaring fire inside and a door big enough to throw in a bad grown-up. I became afraid that if I were not good my parents would also fire me by throwing me into a big stove.