Nap Time

When I was a small child, Mommy would get very sleepy at times. She would tell me that it is nap time. She would take me to her bed and lie down with me. After a while she would become very quiet. I would then move away from her very slowly and quietly so as not to wake her up. I would then get out of bed and play with my toys. I do not remember what happened when she woke up and found me out of bed. Apparently, she assumed that I had my nap and simply got up just before she woke up.

Stupidity

In my first semester of high school in 1946, an elderly wood shop teacher was grumbling about the stupidity of our generation as compared to his generation. He gave us an assignment to draw a picture of a wooden object in accordance with some precise measurements that he had put on the blackboard. Apparently, his experience was that almost no one got the drawing correct on their first try. From a group of several drawings, he randomly selected my drawing as an example of an incorrect drawing. He took out his ruler to show the class how I had measured incorrectly. After measuring my first line, he made a grunt typical of a person who did not know what to say. He quickly measured a second line and made another grunt. He then went on to another student's drawing to show how none of us could measure correctly. I don't remember the teacher ever saying anything about the correctness of my measurements. Since I have always been very precise with everything I did, the teacher had obviously made a mistake in selecting my drawing to prove his point.

Human Osculation

Following is a humorous monologue that I wrote. I recite it at talent shows and on other occasions.I appreciate the work done by the government agencies and other entities mentioned. I trust that the responsible parties of these entities have a sense of humor and will not take offense at me for using their names irreverently in the monologue.

For the past forty years, I have been working on my still unfinished Doctoral Thesis on the ecology, pathology and pharmacology of human osculation, which is commonly referred to as kissing.

After thousands of hours of painstaking research, I have made some amazing discoveries and have gotten into a lot of trouble.

On Ecology
Last year, I published my initial findings in the Journal of Chemical Ecology, which hypothesized that osculation is good for the environment. In the article, I stated that osculation is all natural, 100% organic and made without pesticides or preservatives. I also showed that it is nonpolluting, recyclable, renewable and biodegradable.

Then the Environmental Protection Agency became concerned that my article may lead to increased kissing and that I may not have disclosed some possible adverse effects on the environment. They contracted with the University of California at San Diego to study the ecologic imbalance from thermal pollution because of heat generated by increased kissing. They also contracted with Sandia Laboratories to determine the extent to which the heavy breathing that accompanies kissing could increase the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and thereby exacerbate the global warming trend. The United States District Court then issued an order restraining me from publishing any additional reports on osculation pending the completion of these studies.

On Pathology:
In an article in the American Journal of Medicine, I showed that osculation promotes good health. It heals depression and increases blood circulation. A kiss is naturally sweet without sugar or artificial sweeteners. It is rejuvenating, exhilarating, nonfattening and cholesterol free.

However, after reading my article the Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the United States Public Health Service sponsored a research project to investigate whether increased kissing may promote the spread of disease. The preliminary report of this study, is proposing new regulations requiring anyone engaging in osculation to use plastic shields to ensure that the lips of the participants do not make physical contact while osculating.

On Pharmacology:
In another research paper, which I published in the Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, I reported that I had proven that osculation is a drug. It causes a feeling of euphoria, is addictive and releases about the same quantity of endorphins as a shot of heroin. I noted that it is legal in most places and may be obtained everywhere without a prescription. However, I pointed out that unless taken inappropriately, it has no known harmful or unpleasant side effects.

Well, someone at the FDA saw a copy of my paper and sent it to the Drug Enforcement Administration. As a result, the DEA has introduced legislation in the United States Congress that would make kissing a controlled substance. If it passes, kisses will be allowed to be dispensed only by licensed pharmacists and only to persons having a prescription from a licensed physician.

That's about all I am able to report at this time. My research is continuing although now in the Bahamas to avoid further problems with the US government. However, I need additional female osculation research volunteers. Please contact me, if you believe that you may qualify.

Copyright © 1998 Albert G. Hunsaker. All rights reserved.

My First Experience with Employment

My first work related experience was spending a day with Daddy at work when I was about nine years old. He was a watchman at a WPA construction site. He worked in a trailer in the middle of a large yard. There were no buildings in the yard. There were just piles of stuff. I figured out that Daddy’s job was to watch this stuff. I guessed that he was supposed to keep kids from playing with the stuff and keep grown ups from carrying it away. Most of the day, we sat in the trailer looking out of the window and watching the stuff. Every so often my father and I would walk around the yard and look at the stuff up close. There was a fence around the yard. Daddy and I also walked along the fence and looked at it. I did not understand why Daddy walked around and looked at things up close but I liked it because it got us outside the trailer. At first being at Daddy’s work was fun. After all, I was in a big yard with lots of interesting stuff to play with. However, I just knew somehow that Daddy would not let me play with the stuff. As hour after hour passed, I noticed that I was feeling bored and uncomfortable. For some reason, I could not relax and play naturally with Daddy watching me. After what seemed like forever, Daddy and I got on a streetcar and went home. This experience gave me a lasting impression that the work grown-ups do is not fun.

Struggling for Democracy

When I was about eleven years old, I studied the United States Constitution in school. It was obvious to me that my family was not being run as a democracy. So I wrote up a Constitution for my family. In my Constitution, the five of us, my parents and the three children, would be members of the Hunsaker Family Congress. Each of us would have an equal vote. Punishments could only be administered in accordance with the laws passed by the Congress. The exact punishment for each offense would be defined by these laws. We were all presumed to be innocent until found guilty by a jury that consisted of remaining family members. After writing the Constitution, I had meetings with my parents and my siblings to try to get them to adopt my Constitution and establish a Hunsaker family democracy. My parents did not seem to take me seriously. I assumed that they were simply unwilling to give up their dictatorial powers. I felt frustrated and saw the necessity to fight a Revolutionary war. However, I did not believe at that time that I had the military power to win a war. Furthermore, I was unsure about the loyalty of my brother and sister if I went to war. So I decided to put off starting the Hunsaker family Revolutionary war until I was older and stronger.

Shooting the Rapids

In October 1986, my wife, Annette, and I took a cruise to Alaska. During the cruise, we were given the opportunity to go down the Mendenhall River in a raft. I was not sure that I wanted to do this, but my wife was raring to go. So I reluctantly agreed to go with her without really knowing what I was getting into. I soon found myself standing on top of a glacier. I was in a line with a bunch of other people, who had also been forced by their spouses to take the white water raft trip. First, the guards told us that we were required to sign a three or four page legal document before we could get on the raft. This document seemed to say that there is a risk that I may die on the trip and that they wanted I and my heirs to forever give up all rights to sue the operators of the raft for my untimely demise. Then they had us put on bright orange and green life jackets and rubber outfits. Then they told us that the water was 32° Fahrenheit and that we would die very quickly if we fell into the water. I guessed that the bright outfits were to help them find our dead bodies after we fall into the water. By that time, I knew for sure that this trip was not for me. However, I was already sitting in the front seat of the raft and the raft driver was pushing us away from the dock. At about that time, I was thinking that this was all a bad dream and I was hoping that I would soon wake up and find myself safely in my bed on the cruise ship. But then some part of me realized that this was really happening and that I was about to begin a terrifying journey into death and destruction. The raft began to go faster and faster down the river dodging huge rocks, which kept looming up in front of us. I noticed that ice water from the river was splashing into the raft. I could feel that my feet were in about 3 inches of ice water. After what seemed like six hours of torture, well maybe actually it was only about 15 minutes, but it seemed like six hours, we docked at the side of the river. We got out of the raft and were given coffee and snacks. I was hoping that this was the end of the ordeal but my hopes were dashed against the rocks when someone said that this was only the halfway point. We then all went back into the raft for more torture. The last half of the trip seemed less torturous and went a lot faster than the first half. However, I did not feel good until we docked at the end of the river and we were able to get permanently out of the raft. I was glad to be still alive, although I had the thought that perhaps I had been killed on the trip and I was only dreaming that I was still alive.

The Death of My Garden

When I was about eight years old, I had a wooden box that I filled with dirt. It was my own personal garden. I planted beans and other seeds and enjoyed watching my plants grow a little each day. One day, I went out to look at my garden and found that the entire box was gone. I asked everyone I knew and found out that a dog belonging to another child had died and that some of the boys in the neighborhood wanted a casket to bury the dog. They took and destroyed my garden and used the box as a casket. I still get angry whenever someone takes something that belongs to me.

You're Fired

When I was a small child, perhaps six years old, my father talked with my mother about someone who did something bad at work. My father said that they fired him. I believed that this meant that they threw him into a stove and burnt him up. I still have a clear picture in my mind of a huge stove with a roaring fire inside and a door big enough to throw in a bad grown-up. I became afraid that if I were not good my parents would also fire me by throwing me into a big stove.